One of the difficult parts about being in the horse business is maintaining long-term friendships. Horse professionals and their clients develop strong friendships that usually come to a dramatic end with both parties feeling mistreated and hurt. We (horse people) are special people. It is hard to make friends with just anyone. Who else is going to listen to mundane stories about our horse? Who else is going to understand the joy of getting a new saddle?
Building resentment in your horsey friendships between you and your clients, trainer or barn owner can happen easily. One way to maintain those healthy friendships is by having clear boundaries. I’ve seen this destroy many horsey friendships. Often, at least one person feels like their friend has taken advantage of them. Sometimes it is the professional (trainer, instructor, barn owner/manager), sometimes it is the amateur, and sometimes it is both.
Don’t Assume
Business is business. Doing favors can mean different things to different people. I’ve experienced this a lot while living in different areas of the country. There are often unwritten (or unsaid) rules and expectations. “If I do this, then you owe me…., If we are friends than I should get this for free, or I did this, so you should do this.” We aren’t mind readers (or at least I’m not). Unwritten expectations and rules create resentment.
Clear Boundaries
The best way to ward off resentment or a failed friendship is by having clear boundaries. If you are the client, expect to pay for everything. If you are friends with the barn owner, treat them like you are doing business with anyone else. Pay your friend. If you ask someone to do something for you, then expect to pay them. Give them the option to say, “You don’t owe me anything or need to pay me,” but be prepared to pay if they don’t. If you want to help your friend, then do it and expect nothing in return. You can state, “I am doing this just to help you. I do not expect compensation.” If your friend asks you to help them, do it just to help them. If your friend asks you to help them and you do not want to do it for free, don’t do it. Or ask them what type of reimbursement you will be getting up front. If you don’t want to be taken advantage of by your friends, then you should also not take advantage of your friends.
A friend’s mom told me, “don’t do anything once in case you plan on doing it the rest of your life (or friendship).” If you do something for free once, it may be expected of you from there on out. Remember that the next time your trainer or barn owner asks for help AND remember that next time you ask for help.
Conclusion
It often occurs where one person will feel like they have been taken advantage of. Sometimes both people feel as though the other person has taken advantage of them. If someone isn’t willing to have clear boundaries about what is to be paid for, or what is required of them, then maybe they are a user and not a friend. A friend would not want to put you in a poor financial situation. A friend would not want you to resent them. As I stated before, business is business. Even though your barn owner or trainer may be a friend, they still have bills to pay. They cannot pay their hay bill or rent on your friendship. If you consider them a friend, and you care about them, you should also care that they are able to pay their bills.